I Am Tired Of Waiting

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That one person you can’t remove from your thoughts.  You make the logical decision to push away because you know it is better for your life if they are not in it. You have moved on. Or have you?

Many of us have that old flame that won’t burn out. Maybe it is a high school crush, a love from college or even an ex coworker. Please can’t you just leave my mind? I fill my life with family, work, and local events and yet you litter my dreams with your charm. I haven’t spoken to you in what seems a lifetime and when I least expect it, there you are. Unfortunately we run with the same friends so of course I see you on social media and social gatherings.  As much as I want you to disappear, I want to know you are doing alright. So I look. There you are. That smile, those lips, and the piercing eyes. Sigh.

I think about all the promises we made to each other, the laughter, the tears, the times when you listened and I poured my heart out. Most importantly I think about waiting for that phone to ring and it never did. The message you didn’t respond to and the choice where you picked her and not me.

Toxic? Maybe. Addict? Yes. You see you are like a drug. I love to hate you and hate to love you. I know in my mind what is good for my soul. Run! I tell myself. Don’t look back! This is the final time I say goodbye. Emotionally I have nothing left to give. Then you appear. I smile. I feel my heart flutter. I take a hit. After all, drugs won’t kill me. A message from you won’t kill me. Your flattery won’t kill me. I am happy again, and then just like that, you vanish. I am dying.

I am over feeling the highs and lows. I am worth more than just your bootie call. I am worth more than your emotional punching bag.  I am worth more than you can give. I am tired of waiting for my drug. I vow to stay clean and sober. I am tired of waiting for you.

-Alice

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